Josh Githens and his "Tiny
Tim". Apparently, he didn't stop too many goals.
Is this a meeting of the Hari
Krishna's or the Greenville Mafia's Slapshot table.
The "pious" table
with Reverend Hunsinger, the voice of Slapshot, keeping
Join the Crowd ...
must be time for Slapshot. 2006 set the record for
attendance in WBC's Hockey Arena as the ice follies hit triple
figures for the tenth straight year. 19 tables packed full of
players came out to bruise, get pucked, and try to avoid the
penalty box. Rules-reader Keith Hunsinger, in a valiant attempt
to get some order back in the event, added some new rules for
whining this year. In addition to the traditional two minutes
in the penalty box for the first offense, and being forced to
eat breakfast with a grumpy Don Greenwood for a second offense,
repeat whiners would be required to read the collected theological
works of the Reverend Keith Hunsinger, attend a three-hour lecture
on the modern symphony orchestra given by Arthur Field, and be
placed with the loved one of your choice in between a free buffet
table and a hungry Bruce Reiff. Some of these punishments sound
worse than others, but certainly none are pleasant.
Sadly, the new rules
against whining were not a deterrent this year, as a record number
of participants were sent to the penalty box. First to go was
Pete "I just won a plaque, so I'm better than you mere mortals"
Stein. Next was David "only EuroWeenies whine" Dockter.
I also have unconfirmed reports that board member Kaarin Engelmann
was also penalized, which just proves that nobody's above the
law when it comes to Slapshot. Unless you bribe the ref,
of course. But never fear mere mortals ... there's always the
"I got pucked" award won by Ken Samuels (at right)
All of the excitement distracted the GM's table from doing
its primary job, which is stopping Bruce Reiff from getting another
plaque. Bruce managed to win his first round game, but the entire
convention breathed a sigh of relief when he lost his semi-final
match. Other memorable first round events included Ted Simmons
scoring seven goals with Tiny Tim (including the winning goal
in overtime), and Andy Gardner's "every game is a tie"
table that must have set a record for ties and overtimes (if
we kept records like that). My favorite first-round game description
comes from Ray Stakenasll's table. When asked to describe unusual
and noteworthy happenings in the game, he replied "other
than normal? No". We're unsure whether "No" means
that nothing outside the normal happened, or whether he's refusing
to answer after taking the fifth amendment (perhaps thinking
that what happens in Slapshot stays in Slapshot),
but either way, we respect his answer.
The Ballroom grew quiet, well less raucous anyway, as the
Massively Unfair semi-final round decided who was determined,
awake, or lucky enough to make the Final table. When finally
assembled, six sturdy gladiators placed their pawns on the board:
Andy "turning the screws" Gardner
Legend Dan "watch out for my watch" Hoffman
Jeff "Molson" Cornett
Greg "How did the defending champion make the Final again?"
Doug "5 cent" Galullo
Adam "Bent cap" Nolan
In the early going, it was determined that Adam was the patsy
of the table. Compared to previous years, Adam's team could've
been a lot worse, and in fact, he pulled out several ties against
his challengers. This led Legend Dan to say "I apologize
for taunting you". Such moral victories are precious because
they are all you get and mor than you can expect in Slapshot.
While strategic thinking is a rarity iat the witching hour,
it isn't unheard of. Both Jeff and Andy made efforts to improve
their teams with trades, nearly using the maximum number of trades
allowed. This approach worked for Jeff, who quietly built an
excellent team while still qualifying for the playoffs. Andy's
team took too long to develop, and was left behind but had the
consolatio of being the best team to fail to make the playoffs.
In the first playoff round, Doug advanced over Legend Dan
on the strength of a Tiny Tim goal. In the other bracket, Jeff's
carefully constructed team trounced Greg to end the defending
champ's dreams of a repeat. Both victors brought bruisers to
the Final, but Jeff's knocked out Doug's Superstar in the first
round, leaving Doug with just one high-valued player. It was
downhill from there for Jeff, who glided to his fourth championship
of the week.
Call the cops ... Lisa is mugging
him again. !#*&! trades!
I'll say one thing for the Host
- they sure have sturdy chairs.
Stein and Nicholson ... must
be the whining table. Yep ... there's the ref.
24 little hockey players vied for ice glory this year. The
winner was nine-year old, Jack Doughan.